Lonely Written Words for Company

just thoughts

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 22:31:01 GMT

whenever i'm at school all i can think is "what's wrong with me?" i love being with my friends because it helps me realize that there is NOTHING wrong with me. i'm a good person and the last thing my close friends would want would be for me to change. i'm already starting to dread going back to school where my self doubt and everything will return. i already feel like i'm starting to crawl back into my cocoon.

one thing i have learned in 2008 is that two people have nothing unless they can laugh together. ian and i are wrong for each other in every way possible. i think it's not so much that i still like him as much as i can't get over what happened and i miss how things use to be. i like the memory and don't want to accept that it's just a memory and that everything is over. and for the record, i would like to, for once, be the first person to move on. it's so unfair. i'm always left with feelings meanwhile the guy moves on and/or finds someone else in no time flat. i guess i'm saying i would love a rebound just to say "see, i'm done with you. i'm over it."

and speaking of getting totally over things, this was the first year that on January 18th i didn't think "this was the day i got my first boyfriend." it just passed me by like any other day. i feel extremely accomplished : )
hah so i guess it will be another year until i get over ian, and another 2-3 until i find someone else. i can't wait.

first post in a while

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 02:30:40 GMT

have i really become that good at keeping everything inside?

: (

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 17:14:16 GMT

so my mom wont let me transfer. not even entertain the idea. she sent me a text this morning saying her and my dad didnt sleep last night and that i would either stay at maryland or work. because of this (and a lack of sleep) i have been fighting back tears all day. do i look as unhappy as i feel at the moment? i guess i do. a random guy i was walking by told me/yelled after me to smile. this has happened at least four other times in the past year or two.

and while i'm at maryland, i'm so frustrated by everything and sad that i dont have friends, how am i suppose to make friends? i'm not happy, and people dont want to be around a quiet, sulking girl. that's what i feel like im turning into. i feel like i'm losing myself.

and the one thing i like about maryland, the dorm, will be gone next year. i'll be left to find housing on my own in an apartment or a student house. then i'll feel even more disconnected from maryland and the people here. i know that there have to be people here i would get along with and could become great friends. but it's such a large school that it's almost impossible to find those people.

i have to get out of here.

cute. strange, but cute.

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 02:50:31 GMT

10:36pmPerth

so last night i had this dream that i was going to see you

but i had to run to get there

so i ran to this place

and then all of a sudden all of the people in horse costumes were running away from and around me

10:36pmSara

haha

10:36pmPerth

they were on two legs though

10:36pmSara

haha! horses! yes!

10:37pmPerth

so then they took off the horse heads and i was like "Oh, it's sara's friends"

and they told me you would be there soon

and then you drove up in the car with your brother and mother and then i think it ended

i can't quite remember

AHHH!!!

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 02:39:58 GMT

10:21pmPerth

and i feel bad for this having to take place online, but i'm trapped in alabama at the moment

10:21pmSara

alrighty

10:21pmPerth

i'd just like to say

that you're one of the coolest people i've almost met, and will hopefully mt in person

and i find you very attractive

and i kind've maybe sort've like you?

10:23pmSara

man. ummm. haha i seriously don't hear that very often. and i definitly don't tell people stuff like that often. but...i sorta feel the same

10:24pmPerth

alright

so yeah

10:24pmSara

haha.

yeah i'm bad at this. considering it's only happened once.

10:25pmPerth

yeah, i'm just bad because i'm awkward

anyway

10:26pmSara

haha well at least that makes two of us!

10:26pmPerth

yeah

i really don't know what else to say

i mean

i really want to see you in person

to go further or whatever

10:27pmSara

yeah

stupid timing!

10:28pmPerth

yeah

fucking alabama

i definitely should've acted a week or two before i left

10:28pmSara

i would say fucking beach, but i'm actually excited about my beach trip

10:28pmPerth

haha

10:28pmSara

yeah. haha i was nervous. i was like "should i say we should hang out???"

10:29pmPerth

same

i mean, we could try and squeeze something in on the 2nd buuut, i might not be back till that night

or the night before

10:30pmSara

yeah. and i think i'm doing bowling on the 1st and then rachel is having a "chicken party" on the 2nd

evidently we'll justbe eating chicken, but i think it would be more exciting if we dressed up in chicken costumes

10:30pmPerth

haha

okay

well

then it sounds like that won't work out

10:31pmSara

yeah : /

and hanging out the week before the start of school. well, then there's only like a week left until we meet anyway

10:32pmPerth

yeah

sighhhh

10:32pmSara

so way to go us with the timing.

10:33pmPerth

yes

i guess this is what happens when two shy/awkward introverts like each other

10:33pmSara

yup. i guess so.

hah. gotta work on that

10:35pmPerth

soooo

10:35pmSara

10:35pmPerth

10:35pmSara

how's alabama?

10:35pmPerth

it's hot

and i think i have a sinus infection

and i know i have a feve

10:36pmSara

what?? when did this happen?

10:36pmPerth

this morning when i woke up

i probably shouldn't have run

but i did

that probably made it worse

10:36pmSara

yeah probably.

10:37pmPerth

how's maryland

10:37pmSara

its...maryland. we had a storm that lasted about 10 minutes this morning

10:37pmPerth

hey! so did we except it

600!

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:10:55 GMT

achieved!!!!
and it's only been a little under 2 months. go us. i'm not even going to bother betting on 700. i'll just let it happen.

never mind

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 02:32:26 GMT

: )
556 and counting

?

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:55:19 GMT

i dont know if we'll reach 600. the convo seems to have reached a dead end, then again ive said that like 3 or 4 times already. but this time it's not my turn to save it.
it will be strange if we stop talking just because it's been on such a consistent basis. to just...stop, would feel awkward. it's been going on all summer. haha it's pretty much all i have going on this summer.

eh. whatever. i'll live no matter what the outcome.

500 achieved

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 15:30:50 GMT

4 days after the previous post (aka yesterday) we reached the 500 mark.
yeah we have no lives.

and he can't hang out!!! i'm totally bumming. if we get along well, we get a head start on the school year! i'm impatient! and after 2 1/2 years, i have a right to be!

so, how abut 600? can't really bet on that one since i dont know if he'll have internet in alabama for 2 weeks. grr. we better hit it off in person. otherwise i'll be sad.

500?

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 21:23:30 GMT

anyone? i think that's a little too far off to start guessing already. but i'll take a shot. 3 weeks. sounds like a fair amount of time to reach that. 400 in a little over 1 1/2 months is mighty impressive. thats...like 75 a week, isnt it? wow.

ahaha he already wants to meet the family. and he hasn't even met me. weird, but in the cutest way imaginable : )

wow

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 14:52:10 GMT

i completely overestimated the amount of time it would take us to reach 400. today, july 9th, three days after my previous post, we have reached 402.

crazy? yes. both the situation and me.

344

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 18:47:26 GMT

how long will it take to get to 400? i'm thinking a little under 2 weeks.

300!

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 00:40:27 GMT

we just hit a milestone.

276

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 02:08:49 GMT

how many days will it take us to make it to 300? i'm betting on 3 or less. 4 tops.

245

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:52:52 GMT

yeah.

228

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 01:26:48 GMT

that's the number of comments we have put together so far. in a month.
how embarassing if we dont get along/things dont work out in person.

oh and before he changes it, his status on facebook is currently "(perth...) has not been kidnapped and is not being held at orientation forever and ever, though he has changed his status due to the pressing demands of a certain sara."

that came from me telling him that he might want to change his status, since he's no longer at orientation. unless, however, some hostile OA's decided to kidnap him and keep him at orientation forever and ever.

like i said before, if we dont get along in person it will be a terrible, terrible thing.

alright then.

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 02:35:44 GMT

204 total comments! that's like 5 each in one day. and as far as how to interpret the comment, i've got 3 for it probably means nothing, and 1 for it sounds sexual. my vote isnt counted in that because i honestly have no idea. this is so weird! how is such a cute, nice, funny guy talking to me/interested in hanging out with me? i will never know.

comments

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 18:47:34 GMT

we're up to 195 total. 10 pages. and that is in a little under a month.
and he said he's also awkward/shy around large groups of unfamiliar people.
ahahaha laura and kelly were so funny last night watching the guitar video.
Their funniest comment on the video:

Kelly: all i have to say is he love you long time
Laura: or at least 5 minutes
Kelly: which is longer than most

dear lord. honestly, i am becoming more and more pesimistic each day (shouldnt it be the other way around?). oh well. hope is overated anyway, right? at least laura and kelly seem to be 100% convinced that it's going to work out and that something is going to happen.

is this happening?

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 03:23:14 GMT

so as i'm sure all (one) of you know, i've been communicating online with a guy named ian. never met the kid, but i will. and the more i think about it, the more afraid i am that i will mess this up. because at this point in time, he seriously seems perfect. he posseses many of the qualities i look for in a guy, if not all of them. i'll list em
1) he exercises
2) doesnt drink or do drugs
3) is funny
4) i seem to be able to carry a conversation with him
5) i can make a joke or say something that most people might look at me funny about, and he seems to get it
6) looks fairly attractive
7) friendly
8) likes the outdoors/cares about nature! yay!
9) he has good taste in music (this should be at the top of the list, but i'm too lazy to move it)
10) i think he's either athiest or agnostic. hoorah!
11) he plays guitar (musician. mmm)
12) umm...he appears to be interested so far. and at least wants to be my friend : )

in conclusion, i think that i will most likely mess this up somehow. this is too perfect and way too easy. what's the catch? i'm worried that once he meets me in person he'll think that i'm boring or not the same person i seemed to be online. or we wont click at all. or both of us will be extremely quiet and it wil just be weird.
aaaahhhhh i dont know! all of these worries are starting to bother me. damn you, e-crush!

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:25:35 GMT

"and every kiss you get
and every chance you miss
every shooting star
every touch of god
every town you pass
every mark you scratch
every tidal wave
every brand new day
reminds you how alone you are."

"The sun breaks against the sprain parkway
and I'm convinced that beauty exists
but only when my back is turned
so I close the space between breaks and heel
I'm starting to think that when my eyes close
the whole world disappears

We are holding our breath
and waiting to die from loneliness
we are holding our breath
we are the dirt that eats its self

Are you holding your breath now?
is this moment perfect?"

Goddamn i love the age of rockets.
feeling a tad down. hopefully it will go away asap. every time i spend time with the people on my floor it just reminds me of how lonely i am. and how quiet i am. and how i am just not comfortable talking. ahhhhh. i just want people who appreciate me. i bendover backwards for people in the hopes that they will somehow like me more. i am just too damn nice for my own good.

too much time

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 18:07:21 GMT

for some reason right now i feel like i have infite time. i hae no homework i can do at the current moment. how does this manage to happen? im not complaining too much. but im bored enough to post here for no reason whatsoever. oh and the new cd by the kooks is pretty darn good. i think it will grow on me. and then i will love it.
i have been awake since about 10. it is now 2:05. laura woke up an hour ago. i have been so terribly bored. i ate a bunch of food, went to the gym, showered, and just sat at the computer eating more food for a couple of hours. why do i always manage to wake up before everyone else? not fair. i want to sleep in with all the other college kids.

gosh darnit i want to have a crush on someone. i miss liking people. james was a nice distraction, but im done with that. NEXT!

HAHA!!!!

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 17:59:23 GMT

\

Happy 4-20, kids.
(this was in an email i got from the website. classy)

Rogue Wave is better than sliced bread

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:29:56 GMT

One of the best concerts ever. my god his voice is incredible. its even better live than it is recorded, which impressed the hell out of me. and he sang while tuning!!! that made my night. because most bands just tune and talk. instead, he sang. and it was beautiful. justin and i were some of the youngest people in the audience, but that was alright. it was a pretty chill show. and the people in front of me were REALLY into the music which made me super happy. i basically want to marry the lead singer of rogue wave. i'm starting to regret not getting those death cab tickets.

so justin and i were leaving and i was bummed that they didnt play "salesman at the day of the parade." but as we were leaving, i heard the lead guy (Zach Rogue) say "so we're either going to end with a cover, or salesman. and i almost died at that moment. so we stuck around and i was sooooo happy. then we ran to catch the last train to cp.

moral of this story: Rogue Wave is amaaaazing. words cannot express the love i feel for them. and zach rogue and i need to make lots of babies that sing just like him.

so to end with entry with rogue wave, "if music is my lover, then you are just a tease"

boooo

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 02:14:32 GMT

i could seriously end up liking james!!!! if only i could actually see him. i want the motherfucking butterflies in my tummy and everything that goes along with it. he might not be as cool as he seemed, but theres no way to tell unless i see him again. just some examples of why i like him oh so much:

1. he was completely 110% OKAY that i didnt want to drink much
2. he thought it was cute i was taking care of everyone
3. haha he had me listen to a song and was like "i'd play this at my wedding, if i was a woman and actually thought about that stuff..."
4. he was dancing around with rachel and chris and was like "im not even that drunk. i'm just wacky. get in on this! (to me)" but i had a killer stomach ache so i just wanted to sit
5. he's not into the whole "party" atmosphere. he kept leaving rachel's apartment to get some air. theres just something about that that i find comforting and endearing.
6. he likes elliott smith and death cab. enough said.
7. when everyone was passed out on the floor cept for us i said "all men down" and he started saying "man down man down, etc." and totally went with it. that made me so happy.
8. he's friends with rachel's boyfriend and their friends. those guys seem cool and dorky therefore my conclusion is that james must be just as cool.
9.i think he's fucking adorable.

and im pretty sure there are other things i dont remember at the moment. bottom line is: i really really REALLY want to see him again. and i feel like he's someone i could hold a conversation with and it wouldnt be awkward. if he's everything he seemed to be last weekend, then he's sort of fucking perfect.

and im angry that he didnt yell out to me on saturday. that would have made my day. my weekend. my month. who knows. but it would have made me sooooo unbelievably happy. ahhh i dont know. i want to see him : (

st. marys

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 00:38:33 GMT

so visiting rachel basically kicked as for so many reasons. i dont even know where to begin. completely brightened my mood and lifted my spirits. i want to go back!!!

i spent the day with caitlin and rachel. rachel introduced us to her boyfriend, then took caitlin and i around campus. its so pretty there!!! i wanted to spend the night, but wasnt sure if i could. with a little nagging, i got the okay from my mom. haha the evening was when the fun began. there were games of beer pong and "JAGERBOMB!!!!" at rachel's apartment. let me start off by saying that it is hardly an apartment. there are 2 floors, 5 rooms total. only 2 of which are rented out, and they are caddy-corner to each other so one room cannot hear the other. not to mention the only other people living in the building are chill as hell.

the original guys who were at rachel's were mike (biggest pothead on the face of the earth), jimmy (nice guy, but desperatly needs some ass), matt (looks like a dirty hippie), and her boyfriend chris. after an hour or so, mike managed to drink waaayyyy too much, jimmy thought he was perfectly okay but was falling over, and matt was enjoying a rocking chair waaayyyy too much. another hour or so into it, this guy named james showed up. my first impression of james was that he looked like a tool and a frat boy. then he said he didnt want to drink much. since we were the two most sober people in the room, we hung out.

almost as soon as james showed up, chris and others decided to smoke some weed. no one had a piece, so mike, completely intoxicated, was handed a knife and an apple. in his drunken state he managed to make the most neatly crafted apple bong i have ever seen (or anyone else had seen, for that matter). everyone went outside to smoke as jimmy and james hung behind and waited for me to get my jacket. as soon as we got outside, everyone was already high. i have no fucking clue how it happened so fast. after that, people went back upstairs and then things got interesting.

ahahaha jimmy kept trying to tie james' shoe laces together, matt was enjoying the rocking chair (and from what i heard, he was later making out with it), and mike was on the futon throwing up into a plastic bag. mike scared the hell out of me, but he announced he was okay and that this happens every time. he passed out soon after throwing up. matt then laid down on the floor. haha bob marley was playing, so he was "dancing"/shaking his ass to it while laying down. rachel and chris were making out, jimmy was down, so it was me and james - the sober ones. we spent most of our time laughing at the others (with jimmy who kept mumbling "jagerbomb!!!" from the carpet). rachel put on 50 cent, which james and i didnt like, so we sat at the kitchen table together and listened to death cab instead. at this point it was about 2am. everyone passed out soon after, but james and i stayed up until 4 talking and sharing music. turns out he use to be a theater kid in high school, is really funny and cool, and does fencing. next weekend here is a fencing tournament at the university of maryland that he'll be at. as soon as he heard i went to maryland he told me i should come to it and ask for him. he also thought it was cute how i was taking care of everyone else : )

james seems like he could be a bit of a pimp, but he was so cute!!! and a lot of fun to talk with. i kind of wanted to make out with him (maybe it was the booze talking?) but it didnt happen. BUT he will be at maryland next weekend. hopefully we will hang out more because i could develp a crush. but dammit we are 2 hours apart.

Things I learned:
1) beer isnt bad in small doses. and i can control how much i drink.
2) st. marys kids are CRAZY
3) rachel's apartment is ideal for parties
4) beer brings people together. haha all of us were up at 8am laughing about the night before. i took pictures : )
5) i want to visit more often

sorry this is so long, and might not make much sense. a LOT happened and its so difficult to cram all of it into this (and words in general).